We’re right in the middle of festival season, and with Castlepalooza on this weekend and Electric Picnic a sell-out, it’s time we had a look at some fictional festivals we wish existed so we could add them to our summer plans. Not living in the real world? Yes. Delusional? Perhaps. But imagine these festivals were actually happening for a second and enjoy:
The climax to Wayne’s World 2, Waynestock was a suitably disorganised and rambunctious affair. With some militaristic and suicidal planning, the stage was set for Aerosmith to headline the event in Wayne and Garth’s home city of Aurora, Illinois. Pitching Waynestock to Christopher Walken’s ultra-condescending record exec was a masterstroke of business acumen. An old man fashioning a kayak out of a log? He probably wouldn’t have been the best addition to the weekend lineup. Still, Aerosmith did show up, and that’s all that matters.
Homer Simpson’s quest to become cool again takes him to the Hullabalooza festival and sees him become the main act at the freak show. Alongside Peter Frampton, The Smashing Pumpkins, Cypress Hill and Sonic Youth, Homer travels the country – the festival is based on Lollapalooza, of course – with his getting hit by a bowling ball fired from canon act. Despite the fact that there are petty robberies, constant advertisements and incessant sarcasm (see above) the festival is summed up with this Peter Frampton quote:
“God. Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra and Sonic Youth’s in my cooler. Get out of there, you kids!”
When Chef got into some legal trouble over a plagiarism dispute over Alanis Morissette’s hit song “Stinky Britches”, the music community cobbled together for a benefit concert. The likes of Joe Strummer, Ozzy Osbourne, Elton John, and Meat Loaf all turned up to South Park to perform and turn the case around and even a live album was produced – which is surely the major sign that a festival has hit a tipping point of popularity. Chef Aid is also directly related to the Chewbacca Defence – so it was a concert of legal importance as well as musically significant. Well, kind of.
Bend-Aid was a benefit concert to help raise funds for broken robots following Bender’s own injury and is one of Futurama’s musical highlights. Featuring the head of Beck and the throwback/modern hybrid of Cylon and Garfunkel, the festival ended abruptly once Bender accidentally revealed he had regained his ability to move. His single, My Broken Friend, thus lost its credibility. Shame. He also lost the cheque that Cylon and Garfunkel had prepared for the cause:
Bender: “So can I keep the cheque?”
Art Garfunkel’s Descendant: “Over my dead career.”
Peep Show’s Jez and Super Hans’s band are so bad they can only get on the bill at a lowly Christian Rock festival. This wouldn’t seem like the best option for them and their debauched ways, but there is fun to be had – chugging down litres of supermarket-brand cola for the sugar rush and giving themselves headrushes by standing up too quickly. This is the hedonism you come to expect from Curse These Metal Hands. Although, other names they have went through include The Hair Blair Bunch, Coming Up For Blair, Various Artists and Danny Dyer’s Chocolate Homunculus so any street cred I might have attributed to them was never really there before their one and only festival appearance.